I was raised in the church and have tried to follow the Lord for most of my life. I grew up hearing about how much God loves us, and while my head knew this and my mouth could speak the words, my heart didn’t know. I’d think, ”Yes, that’s wonderful, sounds good,” but at the end of the day, wonder why Christians always seemed to talk about it so much, about His love. That was the whole point.

Gradually, the Lord grew a hunger in my heart to truly know and feel His love on a deeper, more intimate level. I can specifically remember the walk I was on, listening to a Tim Keller sermon when something clicked, and I started praying that the Holy Spirit would grow my love for God and my understanding of His love for me more. Depression is a huge part of my life. I’ve had highs and lows while not closely following the Lord, and I’ve had highs and lows with Him.

In clinging to Him, it amazes me how much joy He brings to deep pain. I have felt the overwhelming power and gentleness of His love when I cannot see through the dark. I have clung to Him and tasted joy—not a bittersweet joy, but an incongruously full and abiding joy that flows from Him even in my darkest times. In His wisdom, kindness, and love, God my Father is teaching me to weather life’s ups and downs, that He is the only steadfast, stable thing, the only worthy anchor in a sea with often treacherous waters. He is my port in the storm. He is teaching me how to cling to Him in the lows as well as the highs. He is showing me that He never lets go, no matter how many times I wander away or actively push Him away. He is rooting out my sin and pride, molding me to Him.

Recently, I took a step of obedience through baptism, and although I was nervous about waiting so long, or what people would think, or figuring out what to say, I wanted to obey Him, and I believe with all my soul in His truth, power, grace, and love. Praise be to God our Father, sovereign Lord of joy, truth, grace, and fierce, steadfast, and eternal love. My favorite passage of Scripture is from Romans 8:38-39. “For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”